Author's note: I told several people that I'm working on Proverbs 31 from the perspective of those who deal with chronic illness, and I am. I have one essay almost completed, and notes for the second one started. However, God keeps on teaching me in other areas,too, and I feel pushed to stop and write about those and post those as soon as possible, so consider this as a 'heads up' that the P31 essays may not be in uninterrupted order, but may be interspersed with other material. :-) Bear with me!
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."
-Philippians 4:8
Is the glass half full for you, or is it half empty? Sometimes one or sometimes the other? Or both at once? For me, it's usually both, because I'm rather pragmatic by nature, always looking at the practical side of things and trying to be logically factual. Most of the time I think that's a good thing. I think I'd have made a good reporter by traditional standards, because I can see and understand both sides of most issues. My ability to be objective makes me a good mediator and peacemaker. You won't catch me lying or intentionally distorting the truth. This attitude carries far enough that I have gotten stuck on the common courtesy question of "How are you?" With frequent aches and pains, I have felt like I'm lying if I reply, "Fine!" yet I also know that the person asking rarely wants a full disclosure of the truth. :-) Sometimes, though, such a factual attitude can be hurtful if I'm not careful, I've learned.
The problem I've been running into is that in reporting, with equal weight, both sides of the glass' fill line (or giving more weight to the glass being half empty, in the case of more negative moods) is that I'm focusing too much on the things that fill me with discontentment and create a spirit of rebellion within me. I'm detracting from the joy that I get from my many blessings. I'm robbing myself of the positive attitude that makes the day go more smoothly, because positivity and negativity are contagious. I'm even hindering healing! A new friend pointed out to me that I was inadvertently hurting myself by claiming illness as a part of myself, as in "MY illness, MY pain, MY disease, etc." While we're called to rejoice in our sufferings because they help us grow stronger and more Christ-like and thus fill us with hope (Romans 5:3-4), claiming illness as part of ourselves is taking that the wrong direction, for by doing so, we aren't growing through it, but are getting ourselves stuck in it. We lose any hope of being healed, because we're hanging onto this thing we've made a part of ourselves, have accepted into ourselves, and have decided that this is the way it's going to be from here on out, sometimes in the name of "accepting reality" as our society tells us we ought. How can we rejoice if we have lost hope? Cannot God change "reality"? Does He not provide healing? Of course He can and does! With God, all things are possible, if we believe! (Mark 9:23)
Now I'm not saying we should deny the truth of our experiences. I believe it's okay to say that we're struggling with this pain or that physical challenge, as long as we don't take possession of it, for how can we ask for help or healing if we don't? I'm not advocating being a false witness in denying that something is going on when it is. But I plan to take captive all my thoughts on such things (2 Cor. 10:5) to make sure I don't close the door on what is possible for God by talking myself right into unbelief, and make certain that I'm not aiding the enemy in keeping me stuck within the trials and tribulations that come my way! I plan to be more careful about the words I use to describe my health or any other area of difficulty, and I'm hard at work changing my own inner self-talk. Instead of cataloguing everything that I'm feeling (and at times I've been prone to pity parties, I admit it!), I'm noting what needs attention, doing whatever I can to take care of myself, then handing the rest over to the Lord, the Great Physician, in prayer. Once I've done that, I move on to thinking about what is good, focusing on the positive, enjoying the half of the glass that is full, and singing God's praises for everything (well, at least in my head, for I've learned not to add to my family's suffering by singing out loud in their hearing very often, since I can't carry a tune in a paper bag to save my life! LOL)
I have stopped referring to myself as being chronically ill, though I acknowledge that my health isn't as good as it ought to be. I have begun answering that question of "How are you?" with a reply of "Good enough!" for if I'm able to be around people who can ask that, then I'm doing well enough to be out and about. I have stopped expecting that I am always going to feel bad, or even that I'm going to feel bad when I wake up in the morning or after I do this or that. I have stopped complaining to my family about all the aches and pains, and it's been noticed... They aren't looking so gloomy and anxious these days. I'm seeing more smiles and a little bounce in their steps, even as they're still considerate about taking my needs into account. And something absolutely wonderful is happening to me, too... I'm feeling better! Much better than I used to think I could! I haven't been blessed with complete healing yet, despite earnest prayers both from me and from others on my behalf, but I have some additional thoughts on that and still have hope that eventually I will be so blessed. In the meantime, I am accomplishing more than I have in a long time. My days are full and my nights are more restful. Life is good. There's plenty of noble, lovely and praiseworthy things to think about.
Whatever! :-)
Father, thank you for giving us so many good, praiseworthy things to think about; for giving us so many blessings to focus on! Thank you for Your promise that all things are possible with You, if we believe, including full healing of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual lives. Help us with our unbelief, and heal us according to Your good plan for us: Your plan to prosper us and give us a hope and a future, and not to harm us. Teach us to remain focused on You, always, for only You are always true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Teach us to see Your touch on our lives and on the world around us, that we might not be overwhelmed by the things that are not of You, including pain and suffering. Build in us thankful, joyful and hope-filled hearts, so that we may shine with Your light even while we're in the midst of trials and tribulations. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Hurry Up and Wait
Author's note: This is the last of my archived pieces, but one, which I won't post until closer to Christmas, since that is its subject. From here on out, excepting that Christmas piece, it's going to be all new writing. I owe my readers an apology, few though they are... I've put off writing since getting back to the US, arguing that I just didn't have the time for it now that I had housework to do and an additional child to care for, but looking at the way I use my time, I can see I've let time studying and writing about God's Word slide in favor of much less important things. Caring for the home and family are very important, of course, but there were other things that I've been doing that haven't been, including wasting time on the internet and in emails that could be better used in other activities, including studies and writing. That's going to change. I owe it to God, I owe it to myself and my family, and I owe it to anyone who can benefit from reading about my journey of faith, for Titus 2:4-5 admonishes us to teach those who are younger (including in the faith) to do what we have learned to do through our journey through God's Word. Back to this piece... It, too, was written the summer before we went to a new post in 2005.
Life has recently put my family in an awkward position. We’re a family who serves our country within the diplomatic community overseas. We’re between posts, wanting to go back overseas to continue serving as we have for the past six years, but having to wait until we obtain medical clearance before we can, a tricky feat considering our two year old was only recently diagnosed with not one, but two rare disorders, one causing the other. He appears to be doing fine, and the emotional turmoil that we’ve endured these past few months over his condition is a faith story all by itself, and not what I’m writing about right now. Rather, because the government is what it is, we’re finding it necessary to see doctor after doctor to gather all the minutiae about Ben’s condition and expected medical needs over the next few years so that the government can decide whether or not we’re all fit to safely live overseas. All these trips to doctors’ offices and hospital laboratories for consultations and tests have made day to day life very chaotic lately. The phrase that comes to mind is “Hurry up and wait!” We scramble to get three kids dressed, fed, and in the car, along with a properly stocked diaper bag and all pertinent medical files, negotiate traffic while consulting directions and maps, hurrying to get to our appointed locations on time. Then we wait. That’s the hard part. We get in, see the doctors or do the tests, go back to the hotel, and wait some more for answers or further instructions. Again we feel impatient.
Meanwhile, we have no idea where we’ll be going from here. If we get approval, we’ll be going back overseas. If not, we’ll have to settle down here in the US. Normally in times of transition, I’m the sort of person who is busily preparing for the next stage of our lives. It’s one of the ways that I deal with the stress of change, making myself ready for whatever lies ahead. But it’s hard to prepare for something when you don’t know what you’re preparing for! If I knew we’d be going overseas, I’d be shopping for things I know I’ll need there. If I knew we’d be staying in the US, I’d be taking steps to find us a place to live and a car to buy. In both cases, I’d be submitting changes of address to everyone who needed to know. Right now I can’t do any of that. For the first time in my life, I find myself in a position where I not only have to acknowledge that I have no control, but I have to accept that there’s nothing I can do to prepare for whatever lies ahead either. It’s sort of like sitting in a doctors’ office waiting room on a big scale. It’s been frustrating, a little frightening, maddening... and enlightening.
Most of us, I think, want to take control of things, fix things, organize things… anything to feel like we have some power over what happens to us. As Christians, we know that such feelings of power are illusions, of course, as ultimately God is the only One who really has any true power, but we take comfort in that illusion whenever and wherever we can, I believe, especially when our own bodies make us feel powerless. We don’t like feeling helpless. We want to DO something, MAKE something happen. It’s hard to just sit and wait. Hard to be still.
Exodus tells us the story of Israel being led out of slavery in Egypt. Chapter 14 describes how the Pharaoh changed his mind about letting the Israelites go and sent his army after them, trapping them between the army, the desert and the sea. This was definitely a situation in which the people no doubt felt a strong desire to DO something! There were probably all sorts of knee-jerk ideas about how to deal with this frightening problem, from surrendering in the hope of having their lives spared, even though that would put them back into the slavery that God was leading them out of; to fighting with anything they could find to use as a weapon (how successful do you suppose they’d be fighting with yokes and cooking pots?); to fleeing into the desert, abandoning all their possessions and provisions, which would have led to slow, certain death. None of these options were really workable. The people turned to Moses in a panic, and what did he tell them they should do? He responded, “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Ex 14:14) Wow! Talk about needing to trust in the Lord! Their trust was well placed, however, and they were saved in a miraculous way when God blocked the army with a pillar of fire and opened an escape route through the sea. To finish the job with remarkable finality, He then drowned the army, eliminating threat from that direction altogether. Why did He do this? For His glory, Exodus 14:4 tells us. He made it clear throughout Exodus that those He had mercy on would be taken care of, provided for in every way, while those who invoked His wrath would be punished. (Rom 9:17, 22-23)
Even when we’re not in such life-threatening situations as this, it’s still hard for us to just step aside and let the Lord work His will in our lives. But Psalm 37:7 tells us to “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Do you know what I think? I think sometimes God finds it necessary to “trap” us in order to get us to “be still” while He does what needs to be done, or teaches us what we need to know. After all, He placed the Israelites in the position of having to trust Him (Ex 14:1-4). I suspect He still does that today, though perhaps in a less dramatic way. Maybe instead of getting frustrated over my powerlessness, I should accept that I’ve done all I can for myself for now, and so need to be still and wait on the Lord while He fights my battles or whatever else He chooses to do for me. That puts “hurry up and wait” in a different light, don’t you think?
Father, I thank you for fighting for me. What a comfort it is, to know that I am so well protected by One who loves me so much! For if You are for me, who can stand against me? Thank you for all those times you've "trapped" me, encouraging me to be still while You do whatever needs done to further Your good plans. Help me to be quietly trusting and to wait upon You in the future when You find it necessary to corner me again. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Life has recently put my family in an awkward position. We’re a family who serves our country within the diplomatic community overseas. We’re between posts, wanting to go back overseas to continue serving as we have for the past six years, but having to wait until we obtain medical clearance before we can, a tricky feat considering our two year old was only recently diagnosed with not one, but two rare disorders, one causing the other. He appears to be doing fine, and the emotional turmoil that we’ve endured these past few months over his condition is a faith story all by itself, and not what I’m writing about right now. Rather, because the government is what it is, we’re finding it necessary to see doctor after doctor to gather all the minutiae about Ben’s condition and expected medical needs over the next few years so that the government can decide whether or not we’re all fit to safely live overseas. All these trips to doctors’ offices and hospital laboratories for consultations and tests have made day to day life very chaotic lately. The phrase that comes to mind is “Hurry up and wait!” We scramble to get three kids dressed, fed, and in the car, along with a properly stocked diaper bag and all pertinent medical files, negotiate traffic while consulting directions and maps, hurrying to get to our appointed locations on time. Then we wait. That’s the hard part. We get in, see the doctors or do the tests, go back to the hotel, and wait some more for answers or further instructions. Again we feel impatient.
Meanwhile, we have no idea where we’ll be going from here. If we get approval, we’ll be going back overseas. If not, we’ll have to settle down here in the US. Normally in times of transition, I’m the sort of person who is busily preparing for the next stage of our lives. It’s one of the ways that I deal with the stress of change, making myself ready for whatever lies ahead. But it’s hard to prepare for something when you don’t know what you’re preparing for! If I knew we’d be going overseas, I’d be shopping for things I know I’ll need there. If I knew we’d be staying in the US, I’d be taking steps to find us a place to live and a car to buy. In both cases, I’d be submitting changes of address to everyone who needed to know. Right now I can’t do any of that. For the first time in my life, I find myself in a position where I not only have to acknowledge that I have no control, but I have to accept that there’s nothing I can do to prepare for whatever lies ahead either. It’s sort of like sitting in a doctors’ office waiting room on a big scale. It’s been frustrating, a little frightening, maddening... and enlightening.
Most of us, I think, want to take control of things, fix things, organize things… anything to feel like we have some power over what happens to us. As Christians, we know that such feelings of power are illusions, of course, as ultimately God is the only One who really has any true power, but we take comfort in that illusion whenever and wherever we can, I believe, especially when our own bodies make us feel powerless. We don’t like feeling helpless. We want to DO something, MAKE something happen. It’s hard to just sit and wait. Hard to be still.
Exodus tells us the story of Israel being led out of slavery in Egypt. Chapter 14 describes how the Pharaoh changed his mind about letting the Israelites go and sent his army after them, trapping them between the army, the desert and the sea. This was definitely a situation in which the people no doubt felt a strong desire to DO something! There were probably all sorts of knee-jerk ideas about how to deal with this frightening problem, from surrendering in the hope of having their lives spared, even though that would put them back into the slavery that God was leading them out of; to fighting with anything they could find to use as a weapon (how successful do you suppose they’d be fighting with yokes and cooking pots?); to fleeing into the desert, abandoning all their possessions and provisions, which would have led to slow, certain death. None of these options were really workable. The people turned to Moses in a panic, and what did he tell them they should do? He responded, “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Ex 14:14) Wow! Talk about needing to trust in the Lord! Their trust was well placed, however, and they were saved in a miraculous way when God blocked the army with a pillar of fire and opened an escape route through the sea. To finish the job with remarkable finality, He then drowned the army, eliminating threat from that direction altogether. Why did He do this? For His glory, Exodus 14:4 tells us. He made it clear throughout Exodus that those He had mercy on would be taken care of, provided for in every way, while those who invoked His wrath would be punished. (Rom 9:17, 22-23)
Even when we’re not in such life-threatening situations as this, it’s still hard for us to just step aside and let the Lord work His will in our lives. But Psalm 37:7 tells us to “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Do you know what I think? I think sometimes God finds it necessary to “trap” us in order to get us to “be still” while He does what needs to be done, or teaches us what we need to know. After all, He placed the Israelites in the position of having to trust Him (Ex 14:1-4). I suspect He still does that today, though perhaps in a less dramatic way. Maybe instead of getting frustrated over my powerlessness, I should accept that I’ve done all I can for myself for now, and so need to be still and wait on the Lord while He fights my battles or whatever else He chooses to do for me. That puts “hurry up and wait” in a different light, don’t you think?
Father, I thank you for fighting for me. What a comfort it is, to know that I am so well protected by One who loves me so much! For if You are for me, who can stand against me? Thank you for all those times you've "trapped" me, encouraging me to be still while You do whatever needs done to further Your good plans. Help me to be quietly trusting and to wait upon You in the future when You find it necessary to corner me again. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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